Beginning/Middle/End

What to do when you don't have an appropriate photo to go with a post? My answer: stick a cloud photo in it. ;)

Where are you right now? Sometimes I like to take a step back and really look at everything that's going on and the other day I got into a conversation with a friend about where we were. I'm the kind of person who always feels like I'm in the middle of something, but when I look a little more closely I can see lots of beginnings, and some ends too. Right now we're at the start of this whole new busy season of our lives. I realized this when Charlie and I dropped off Henry at preschool, ran off to run errands, popped home to go on a run, only to get us back in the car again to pick Henry up again. The days are flying by, and I can only imagine how much crazier it must feel with older children and much fuller days. We're at the first of them, with a million more stretched out in front of us. So many other beginnings too- new friends, new projects, new motivation to be better. Spring does that to me. It makes me feel like anything is possible; like I am able to start again and be renewed.

It's crazy that Charlie has already been here for 6 months, and that adds to the feeling of beginnings. He's just starting to do all of these things- almost crawling, kind of talking, just getting so much bigger. And there's an end in there too, you know. The end of the baby days. And that's hard for me. Hank and I would love to have more children but in reality, you never know what will happen. Maybe we won't be able to get pregnant again? Maybe life's circumstances change? You never, ever know. So I always kind of keep that in the back of my mind, that these days could be the last of those cooing, giggling, wide-eyed first months.

And I think about being in the middle of all of it too. I'll be turning 32 in 2 months and although I feel like I'm still so young, I know I'm getting closer to the middle of my life. Isn't that a weird thought? Not there yet, but much closer to the middle than to the beginning. Although if we want to get into it we actually have no idea if we're at the middle or maybe even close to the end, right? But that's whole different post. I also think with middles it's sometimes hard to know when you're in it, because the whole world is going by so fast and to notice a middle means you have to be aware enough to hit pause and see everything for what it is.

So yes. Beginnings and middles and ends. I've been in one of my self-reflective moods lately which always brings about posts like this and long talks about life with Hank. I partially love it but sometimes I kind of wish I was someone who didn't think about so much, so much. I have a few friends like that, who are much more just "whatever" about things- much more laid-back in attitude, and I admire that quality. The grass is always greener though, right?

If you have a moment, tell me where you are. Do you have some beginnings happening? Middles or ends?

xoxo

Lots of words.

Yesterday was a weird, hard day full of three funerals including our sweet Andrew's. I go back and forth between feeling angry (at who? or what?) to just feeling kind of numb. My Grandma's funeral was this morning, and although it was horribly sad, I feel much more peace with her passing. She was 93 and ready. She didn't suffer a long, drawn out illness or end her life after weeks or even months of pain. She was in hospice for two days and passed away surrounded by family, holding her hands. But Andrew? He was taken. And I have all of these emotions swirling inside of my head and heart, mad at the world because it's just not fair, so so sad for Juliann and their kids. But there is no one to blame, no one to channel these feelings towards. And I think that this is part of some sort of grief cycle I'm going through. I think about when we lost Kendall, who was truly a little brother to me, someone we spent so much of our time with, a every-single-day part of our life. And when he died six years ago it was easy for me to be angry, and easy for me to be angry at the people who irresponsibly had a hand in all of it. I'm not saying it was right, but that anger was a huge part of my grief process and in this...there's just sadness.

Andrew's funeral was heartbreaking. All of our friends sat in a huge group, and it dawned on me that this happens far too often. This is the second dear, dear friend we've had to bury, and two of many young people we've been close to that have passed away from this circle of friends. I'm not sure if it's because we live in a small town that these losses seem more profound and connected, or if maybe it's that all of our friends are risk-takers and adventurers, but it just seems like it's way too much tragedy under strange circumstances. The service itself was so nice though, as nice as a service could be- so, so many firefighters and Hot Shot crews there to pay their respects, and all of Andrew's friends and family filled the entire floor seating area of our local arena. Lots of love. The other funerals we attended were the same, full of love and respect for the men who lost their lives. I found so much inspiration and like many funerals do, all of them left me with a huge reminder to really live my life to the fullest and to the very best of my ability; to "be good," in my own way.

I've had a heavy heart lately, but surprisingly I found some comfort in the last place I thought I would find it- at my Grandma's Catholic mass this morning. I was raised Catholic so that setting is very familiar to me, but it wasn't even that which made me feel at ease. It was when the priest stepped down and came to stand in front of the rows full of my family in the middle of my Nanny's service, and talked about her, and what kind of woman she is. It was weird- I had gone into the whole morning thinking that I would of course be thankful for one last chance to say goodbye, but I was not expecting to be moved by a Catholic priest's words. But I was. He didn't speak about religion much as he addressed all of us, and instead talked about my Grandma's life, and how these moments now, are for us. That what you believe in the afterlife is your reality, and because my Grandma believed that she would be greeted at heaven's gates by her late husband and God, that that's where she was. And I loved that. It made me happy to feel like even though I don't believe in that, she did, and she died with such a feeling of peace and joy with that as her reality. Our reality is what we believe.

Lots of sad talk on the blog lately, and if you've been sticking around to read it all, thank you. I promise things will turn around soon and happy days (and posts) aren't far away.

A Good, Old-Fashioned Update

So this photo has absolutely nothing to do with anything below, but I was looking through some photos from last summer earlier and came across this one taken at Coney Island and it made me so happy. It was taken the week I spent with Emily in NYC, and she took me to Coney one day so I could check it out. I loved it. I didn't snap one photo this weekend that would make sense for this post, so random Coney Island photo it is!

I wanted to take some photos today of this belly. It's gotten so big, so fast, but the weather outside is positively gloomy, which makes for not-so-pretty pictures, even of just a belly. However I'm sitting here typing this and listening to so much rain coming down, thunder, lightning, all of it, and I'm ecstatic. This is my favorite kind of weather by far.

So how about a good, old-fashioned update?

Life is good, and believe it or not (I cannot!) Henry will be turning THREE this fall. Now, I know that "this fall" is a ways off, but someone this morning asked me how old he was, and usually I just say "2 and 1/2" but this time I said "3 in the fall." And then I cried inside for a second. It's a weird thing, being a parent. It's a constant yearning to stop time and freeze things but the more you focus on that the faster it all seems to go by. So for me the best thing has to just focus on the now, the stage we're in, and although this morning I had this moment of disbelief that our little guy could ever be turning three so soon, I have been doing a better job of not getting too sad about it all going by. Remind me of this when I have a newborn, and without fail I will be writing about how sad it is that that little tiny newborn stage is over with in the blink of an eye.

I don't write about Hank a super lot on this blog. I feel very lucky to have a strong marriage and to be married to my best friend. And really, what are you supposed to say when things are really good? But lately I've felt even more in love with him, if that's even possible. I keep taking a step back and just thanking the universe that I've gotten to spend the past decade of my life with him and to be able to spend the rest of our lives doing the same. To know him is to love him, and the longer we are together the more and more I realize just how lucky we are to have found each other in this crazy world. And see? This is why I don't write about it too much. I think sometimes I just feel uncomfortable going on and on about something I like to keep close to my heart. But sometimes I do think it's good to shout it to the rooftops.

But something not so good? My Grandma, Nanny, has been getting more and more ill following a heart surgery she had recently, and this past weekend she was taken yet again to the emergency room. She has pneumonia in both lungs, and on Saturday hospice was set to meet with her and my parents but just like it's happened every time, she suddenly started getting stronger again. She's a tank, this woman! She also happens to be my last living grandparent, and the one relative I've always been the closest to. I have the very best memories of her. I grew up spending lots and lots of time with her and my Grandpa, and then after he passed away, she moved from NJ to live with us in AZ. She's lived with my Mom and Dad ever since (I was 15 at the time), and I'm sure you can imagine what a part of our daily life and world she is. I can't imagine life without her.

So yes, life is both good and bad at this current moment, as life usually is. A little of both. It's interesting to me to be caught in this place right now, to have one hand on the pulse of an end of a beautiful life, and another bringing someone into this world. Right in the middle. Charlie is due to arrive in a little over 6 weeks and as the weeks fly by I can only think of how times in my life I'll ever be here again. Never ever. So this is it, the one time my 2 and 1/2 year son will be this age as I am getting ready to have our second child, as Hank and I stay up all night talking about life and dreams and our goals, the time in our life when it feels like everything is beginning, even though we've been going for quite some time. Do you ever feel like that, like the phase you're in is a BIG thing, even though it feels so normal? I want to remember this for always.
 

Living simply.

 via gusandlula

This has not always been my motto, and you can bet that more times than I'd care to admit I've been swept up in the more, more more mindset. It seems to be an easy thing to do, with all of the pretty things floating around online. One look at Pinterest and I'm lost in gorgeous this, that, things and more, and it's easy to start to get the itch to have even more myself.

I grew up very simply- we didn't even have a microwave or any more than 12 channels on our one television. No cable, we line-dried our clothing, and my Mom grew most of our vegetables in the backyard. As I got older though, things changed. And as I started to make money (see me rolling at my first job at Subway), I started to want more.

Now as a Mom I feel like one of my biggest responsibilities is to raise a person who grows up to be kind, compassionate, and tolerant. Those are the biggest things, outside of having love for themselves and those around them. And I think my own Mom did it right. It was so nice to grow up being focused on activities and moments, rather than things. I mean, I never knew the difference then, but looking back now I am incredibly grateful.

This is not to say that I am going to suddenly get rid of our cable (never!), grow all our own food, or even stop indulging on pretty things that make me happy. What's the point of writing all of this then? To me, it's about finding a balance; it's about focusing on and being thankful for what I already have. Memories and activities over things, trying to pare down what we already to have to include only items we find useful or beautiful. This seems like a such a simple idea, but it's something I definitely struggle with and something I'm currently working on.

Can you relate?