Being a parent saved me, you know. If I was to try and simplify it, I would tell you that I see myself as a very flawed person on a journey to become less flawed. I feel lucky to be surrounded by people who see all of it and love me all the same and push me to be better, and I do the same for them. But when I became a mother it was as if some dark parts of me fell away, and every morning when I wake up and I am given this opportunity to be better, to be my best, I am able to renew and move forward. Grateful is an understatement. For a long time I wasn't sure what my purpose here was, and one day I realized that it was much simpler than I was making it out to be- we're all here to love and be loved. And having children in your life, in any capacity, brings such clarity to this idea. I wake up and see these faces. Joy. Innocence. A mirror really, looking right back at me. Two mirrors. And all I know is that my purpose is to love these little babies with everything I have with this one chance I've been given. And so that first morning in November when they laid Henry on my chest, and then that second morning in August when Charlie arrived, everything changed. Most mothers will tell you that when they birth their child (or meet their child, or adopt their child, or find their child), there is a distinct marker placed in their story. Then and now. I have two. So this flawed person that I see, that I've always seen, looking back at me when I've looked in the bathroom, bedroom, hallway mirror, has fallen away more and more as I am given the opportunity to look at the two mirrors right in front of me. I have been able to see myself through my boys, to see a loving, selfless, kind person who does the best she can. And who loves so hard and so fiercely. I am able to move forward and forgive myself and others, to see beauty in the small bits I may have overlooked before; rolls on a baby's wrist, the way a small nose scrunches in laughter, a brown leaf slowly, slowly drifting to the earth...and in myself. What a gift these two boys have given me, in simply existing. What a gift to be their mama and to be able to grow right alongside of them, as they learn how to be children and I learn how to be a parent; to be able to see myself more clearly and in turn strive to be better, better, better every single day.
Happy Mother's Day to you. I hope you had a wonderful day- I'll share photos from our weekend in Tucson tomorrow. xo
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